Miss Hooligan's Christmas Cake

(comic ballad published at Poet's Box of Dundee, Scotland, between 1890 and 1900.)

As I sat at my windy one evening,
 The letter man brought unto me
 A little gilt-edged invitation,
 Saying, Gilhooly, come over to tea.
 Sure I knew that the Hooligans sent it,
 So I went just for old friendship's sake,
 And the first thing they gave me to tackle
 Was a piece of Miss Hooligan's cake.

 There was plums and prunes and cherries,
 And citron and raisins and cinnamon too,
 There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
 And the crust it was nailed on with glue.
 There was carraway seeds in abundance,
 Sure 'twould build up a fine stomach ache,
 'Twould kill a man twice after 'ating a slice
 Of Miss Hooligan's Christmas cake.

 Miss Mulligan wanted to taste it,
 But really there wasn't no use,
 They worked at it over an hour,
 And they couldn't get none of it loose.
 Till Hooligan went for the hatchet,
 And Killy came in with a saw,
 That cake was enough, by the powers,
 To paralyse any man's jaw.

 Mrs Hooligan, proud as a peacock,
 Kept smiling and blinking away,
 Till she fell over Flanigan's brogans,
 And spilled a whole brewing of tay.
 " Oh, Gilhooly," she cried, " you're not 'ating,
 Try a little bit more for my sake,"
 " No, Mrs Hooligan," sez I,
 " But I'd like the resate [recipe] of that cake."

 Maloney was took with the colic,
 McNulty complained of his head,
 McFadden lay down on the sofa,
 And swore that he wished he was dead.
 Miss Dally fell down in hysterics,
 And there she did wriggle and shake,
 While every man swore he was poisoned,
 Through 'ating Miss Hooligan's cake